Coming back from DC

And I knew I'd have to leave, and go back to my normal life. I expected that. What I didn't expect were all the friends I made. Now we are scattered across the country, and soon, globe. And I know I will never see any of them again. It's only been two days and I miss everyone so much! And yet I don't want the ache to fade. I want to hold on to them in my heart. And I don't want any of them out there to forget me either.

Random Rant # 1

I'm sitting at home as usual, wishing I could project myself as I am to the people to whom it matters, instead of sitting quiety and thinking "YES! That's me! And I'm not just saying that to get close to you (although I really want to)." And right now? I really wish I could make sense to a person who is logically stimuating and my equal on every level. Because the worst part is waiting for something to happen and missing your opportunity.

This sucks.

I hate how I have no control over what I do when it matters the most. I really want people to see me for who I really am, and I go out of my way to show them... something. Is that an accurate representation of myself, or am I posing for something I'm not?
If I try to make myself into someone I'm proud to be, what does that say about my character? Is that truly me, because then (hypothetically) I like who I am, or is it a facade for the shy person I once was?

I don't want to be the person that makes a mountain out of a mole hill, or never does anything without worrying what others will think, but that's who I am. So why can't I try to change it?

And is that something that is engrained, or is it just... you? Your nature at it's simplest?

I guess what I'm trying to express is that I don't believe anything is worth doing without sharing it with someone, but I don't want anything to come across the wrong way. I constantly am trying to reinvent myself (much to my dismay).

I'm a very complex person, and I'm tired of trying to show that to people who don't care. I'm worried that when someone really does care, I won't have any energy left for it. Because in my experience, they probably won't be worth it.

I'm TIRED of second guessing myself, and I'm TIRED of trying to analyze everything I do. But my brain won't give it a rest.

I wish I could just be myself, but I'm not entirely sure who that is yet. Right now, all my cemented beliefs are changing, and the for-sures are now gray maybes.

I'm confused. Like it isn't obvious. =/

Random Rant #2 Thought Thieves

I sit here and try to do a lot of thinking, but really I end up just wishing for cliched things that I don't really want but popular culture has convinced me that I do. Or wanting to believe my life is like a movie plot, but really, it's just boring. (Sometimes I wish something bad would happen to me just to make my life a little less boring, make it have more meaning, but that is a whole 'nother rant.)

Is anything original anymore? It seems that everything has already been done. We come across an idea that we like, and then crop it and integrate it into our life and pass it off as our own. We're all thought thieves. Nothing's ours!

It's like America. Everyone here (even Native Americans) came from somewhere else. So where DID everyone come from? Where do thoughts come from?
Is there some giant thought base out there somewhere that started generating ideas? Maybe somehow our minds our connected to that. Or maybe, (more probably) our minds evolved conscious thought based on tangible things that inspire us.

I'm in love with thought. There's something so poetic about it. Yet none of it is mine. I get it from somewhere else, and then share it with people who don't know where I got it from so I appear smart. I think we all do this. That way you become associated with whatever it is you're sharing, for someone else to rip it off you.

I believe that's human nature, to steal. The mind is supposedly the one thing still your own that government and poverty can't take away from you, but I don't know...
Thoughts can be stolen, and without thoughts, what is a brain? Just a big, dark, empty room with no furnishings of any kind.

It's late. This is probably all crazy babbley-gook talk. But I raised a couple of good points I think. And I didn't get them from anywhere, my OWN brain generated them. (The thing is though, someone else has probably speculated this as well, so while it may be my idea, it is probably not a new idea. Someone reading this may have thought the same thing before, which is disheartening. So I go back to saying that everything that can be thought has already be thought. So what's the point? Well, actually, I don't like that question. There is a point. Oh yes. Thinking is good. Possibly one of the few good things humans have invented. So.)

Leave a comment with your thoughts. Maybe it would be better to say we thought-share instead of thought-steal. Yes?

Love? Pah.

If you ask my opinion (and you do just by reading this), love doesn't exist.

Attraction? Yes. Infatuation? Most definitely. But love? I have my doubts.
I believe that two people can care deeply for each other, but it's not transcending. They may remain happy for a time, but boredom will set in.
Human beings are not biologically monogamous.
That whole 'soul mate' thing is a bunch of crap. It's a nice thought, a cute little story, that someone out there will complete you, but it's just a story.

Everybody can't keep holding out for that person, he (or she) doesn't exist. Just settle.
Or, you know, don't.

That's why I don't do relationships. They don't last, and I just end up hurting the other person.
I've got my friends, I'm not that lonely.

So everybody just needs to shut up about how I need a boyfriend. Society can kiss my ass.

What's up

Currently reading 'The Discovery of Bella Swan' by MsKathy on Fanfiction.

Songs in my head: 'Kiss From A Rose' by Seal and 'Amaranth' by Nightwish

Craving: Artichoke dip and puppy chow

Missing: Jessica and Krystal