Random Rant # 1

I'm sitting at home as usual, wishing I could project myself as I am to the people to whom it matters, instead of sitting quiety and thinking "YES! That's me! And I'm not just saying that to get close to you (although I really want to)." And right now? I really wish I could make sense to a person who is logically stimuating and my equal on every level. Because the worst part is waiting for something to happen and missing your opportunity.

This sucks.

I hate how I have no control over what I do when it matters the most. I really want people to see me for who I really am, and I go out of my way to show them... something. Is that an accurate representation of myself, or am I posing for something I'm not?
If I try to make myself into someone I'm proud to be, what does that say about my character? Is that truly me, because then (hypothetically) I like who I am, or is it a facade for the shy person I once was?

I don't want to be the person that makes a mountain out of a mole hill, or never does anything without worrying what others will think, but that's who I am. So why can't I try to change it?

And is that something that is engrained, or is it just... you? Your nature at it's simplest?

I guess what I'm trying to express is that I don't believe anything is worth doing without sharing it with someone, but I don't want anything to come across the wrong way. I constantly am trying to reinvent myself (much to my dismay).

I'm a very complex person, and I'm tired of trying to show that to people who don't care. I'm worried that when someone really does care, I won't have any energy left for it. Because in my experience, they probably won't be worth it.

I'm TIRED of second guessing myself, and I'm TIRED of trying to analyze everything I do. But my brain won't give it a rest.

I wish I could just be myself, but I'm not entirely sure who that is yet. Right now, all my cemented beliefs are changing, and the for-sures are now gray maybes.

I'm confused. Like it isn't obvious. =/